99 Days of Emotional Video Game Blogging

Day 99: The Audit

April 15^th is a day most grown ups dread and like other procrastinating adults we were derailed from gaming by the taxman.  The only gaming that took place yesterday was a few moves of mobile Carcossone.  But the government is not the only reason we were distracted we have also spent much of our downtime watching an episode of the new Netflix show DareDevil. 

There are 24 hours left until “D-day.”  I euphemistically referred to tomorrow, or the end of 100 days, as when I would make the choice between Diablo and divorce.  And it is probably a good sign that over the last few weeks I have stopped labeling my blog posts with the word divorce but as every good researcher knows, current trends do not determine final outcomes.  Today the plan is to get the hubs the moment he gets off work and get as much gaming in as possible.

I have been working on an audit about how this experiment has changed me emotionally, my relationship with the hubs, and if it provided any insight into what to do with our broken marriage.  The thing that surprised me the most is that I wrote as much about my feelings as I did what games we played.   

I have decided to map my blog.  To create themes and sub-themes of the topics and emotions that have filled the last 100 days.  I placed asterisks next to my favorite post in each category.  

Guess what I am thinking about (hint: not taxes). 

The Experiment

Quitting my Marriage and Picking Up a Controller- Day 1

Why Play Games Instead of Getting a Divorce?-Day 4

 Can Video Games Save a Marriage?- Day 10

 12 Years of Holding Hands and Holding Controllers-Day 11

Gone Girl the Game- Day 13

The Husband's Side of the Story- Day 18

Why I don't just play games for my husband.-Day 23

Treacherous River in Kern: Love and aBroken Marriage- Day 39

Love and Legos- Day 41

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton- Day 43

**The Laundry Goblins- Day 51

Warmachine Widow- Day 54

Helldivers- Day 61 

Married People Play Video Games in a Scandalous Way- Day 65

The Hubs Guest Blog 2.0- Day 67

Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77

Video Games and Indoctrinating our Youth-Day86

Emotional Venting

Bring it on

Why Play Games Instead of Getting a Divorce?-Day 4

The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done in MyLife- Day 16

Things that are Hard 2.0 –Day 17 

**Why I don't just play games for my husband.-Day 23

Gear is Better than Roses- Day 37

Living in the Shadow of a Kick A$$ Wife- Day41

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton- Day 43

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer-Day 47

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer Part 2- Day 48

Warmachine Widow- Day 54

Helldivers: Survive the hard stuff and don't shoot your wife-Day 63 

Spit, Teach, Love: Today's Rant about Hope instead of Gaming- Day64

Gamer Family and Geek Parenting

I hope you dance- Day 8

Leaving My Family- Day 29 

Rapists, Video Games, and Valentines Day- Day 35

Love and Legos- Day 41

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton- Day 43

**The Hubs Guest Blog 2.0- Day 67

Video Games and Indoctrinating our Youth-Day 86

Chronicles of  Gaming Mommy - Day 93

Geek family FTW

Romance

I hope you dance- Day 8

12 Years of Holding Hands and Holding Controllers-Day 11

Gone Girl the Game- Day 13

Leaving My Family- Day 29 

Rapists, Video Games, and Valentines Day- Day35

Gear is Better than Roses- Day 37

**A Treacherous River in Kern: Love and aBroken Marriage- Day 39

Kissing brown hair 

Kissing blue hair 

Love and Legos- Day 41

Big Eyes, Small Mouth- Day 52

Married People Play Video Games in a Scandalous Way- Day 65 

Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77

Video Games and Indoctrinating our Youth-Day86

Beauty and Self Esteem

The Infamous Blue Hair

**F-ck Tropes and Resolutions- Day 3

Things that are Hard 2.0 –Day 17

Living in the Shadow of a Kick A$$ Wife- Day41

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer-Day 47

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer Part 2- Day 48

Glitter vs Jem Part 1- Day 52
 
Glitter vs Jem Part 2- Day 53
 
Helldivers: Survive the hard stuff and don't shoot your wife-Day 63
 
Glitter vs JemPart 3- Day 68

The Hubs

DM with a Hairbow

The Husband's Side of the Story- Day 18 

Why I don't just play games for my husband.-Day 23

Gear is Better than Roses- Day 37

A Treacherous River in Kern: Love and a Broken Marriage- Day 39 Love and Legos- Day 41

Warmachine Widow- Day 54

 **Helldivers- Day 61

Married People Play Video Games in a Scandalous Way- Day 65 

Video Games and Indoctrinating our Youth-Day 86

The Hubs Guest Blog 2.0- Day 67

Warmachine

Things that are Hard 2.0 –Day 17

Rapists, Video Games, and Valentines Day- Day35

**Warmachine Widow- Day 54

Wil Wheaton

**The Return of Hope aka Wil Wheaton –Day 27

Upgrade your phone, not your wife- Day 30

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton- Day 43

Helldivers: Survive the hard stuff and don't shoot your wife-Day 63

Buffy

Living in the Shadow of a Kick A$$ Wife- Day41

**Tales of a Wannabe Slayer-Day 47

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer Part 2- Day 48

Community of Play (#gatheryourparty) 

Love and Legos- Day 41

**Big Eyes, Small Mouth- Day 52

Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77

 

Travelling

Gone Girl the Game- Day 13

Things that are Hard 2.0 –Day 17

Leaving My Family- Day 29 

Upgrade your phone, not your wife- Day 30

**Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77
 

Shopping and Money

Trade-In Underwear for Games- Day 9

**Gone Girl the Game- Day 13

Shooter Games 

I tried… but I still hate Shooters

Helldivers- Day 61 

**Helldivers: Survive the hard stuff and don't shoot your wife-Day 63

Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77

The Hubs Guest Blog 2.0- Day 67

Things that are Hard 2.0

Day 17: Don’t believe what you read on the internet

Make-up and Organizing pre-LotR

Since I have openly discussed in my blog my consideration of divorcing my partner it probably comes as a surprise to no one that I am in therapy.  My therapist asked me what is something hard I had to do this week and I surprised myself when I didn’t say “get out bed.”  My answer: find a tube of make-up primer sh*t.  As I explained my distress to my counselor she immediately replied “its next to the foundation.”  And not for the first time, I wanted to kick her in the knee, hard.

If you ask me where to buy model primer for miniatures, primer for home improvement, or even primer for cooking I can answer those questions.  But asking me to acquire make-up primer at Target is like asking me to solve 10- page math proof.  In fact, with the help of technology it would probably take me less time to puzzle out a mathematical proof.

For those of you who don’t know, primer is a base coat that goes under make-up.  Apparently it is different than moisturizer and is not in the long aisle covered with face lotions/ face sunscreens/ moisturizers/ creams/ serums.  Even though it is a tube of goop that looks exactly like everything else in the face goop aisle, that is not where it lives.  Instead primer is located next to make-up.  And make-up is not organized by what is used for but instead by brand.  Like my therapist this may be obvious to the women reading this blog but just in case you missed the memo I am not good at being a girl.

Si Se Puede

It has only been one day since my last post, and getting out of bed is still hard.  Today I am wearing my union thug hat and organizing with hundreds of other educators from around the state.  Staying in a fancy-smancy hotelmakes getting out of bed easier because my babies are snuggled close, and my union family are here for me.

Happy Union Thug

 

Rolling off lands on my bed/ head.

What are those boxes for behind the bed?

Online Walk- Throughs

When I get stuck in life, and games, I have almost always been able to find the answer on the internet.  Free online game walk throughs have been part of my life as long as the hubs.  I am reading several blogs about LotR card game that I am currently obsessed with (dwarf for life).    

When I told my husband I was considering a divorce, his reaction was to google “what to do when wife wants divorce.”  If you just spit your coffee on the computer screen I understand, but in all seriousness googling is a natural reaction to the unknown.  And just an FYI, the advice he received was not ideal.  Tip of the day: google cannot tell you how to save your marriage. 

Despite my best attempts to resist, I have fallen prey to attempting girflicaiton through online walk-through guides.  I really have tried to put more effort into my appearance.  I say “tried” because after a few hours with pinterest, you-tube make-up tutorials, magazines, and then the looking for primer:  I am over it.  I want to look my best but not if its going to be so f*cking hard.  How do women do this everyday?  Isn’t it easier just to stay in bed?  Speaking of staying in bed, playing card games in a hotel bed is not ideal.

Game: LoTR Card Game

System: Table Top

Developer: Fantasy Flight Games

  

Reflection: After traveling out of town, organizing and activism, and successful application of make-up: we still made time to game.  We moved from our intro level game to the next and way harder scenario in Lord of the Rings.  We only lasted three phases before we got our butts kicked.

Speaking of getting an a$s kicking, today the hubs is playing in his first Warmachine tournament in over 4 months.  My trash talking is not just meanness, we have both been honest that he is not there to win, he is there to learn.  Because winning is great, but the joy comes from the people, the game, and the experience.

Registration at Warmachine Tourney

The Army pre battle

Photo from first 2 hours round of Warmachine

F-ck Tropes and Resolutions

Day 3: Hair Styles vs. Games

Since my marriage fell apart I have attempted to style my hair every single day.  I say “attempt” because my hair is still mostly big, glittering, and unruly but not for lack of hot irons and smeared goop.

  

Forfeiting my Girl Card

I know that I am not an unfortunate looking woman.  However, I have never been a girly-girl.  I do not enjoy shopping and do not feel like its necessary to purchase special occasion attire annually: I have a good LBD.  I do not own a cache of smelly lotions and perfumes.  I do not coordinate things like make-up, accessories, or jewelry for occasions or seasons.  I like the color black because you can wear it all year round.  If I have a special occasion I have to watch youtube tutorials for how to apply make-up and eyeliner or just pay someone to do it for me.  My mother-in-law helps with the girl-ifcation process and is in many ways my own personal shopper.  I am compelled to mention her during this post and give her credit, because if you are pleased by my appearance you should know she has bought the majority of the make-up, purses, and jewelry I own.     

I spend my spare time watching Hulu, reading books, doing yoga, and now a lot of time (gasp) playing games.  But now that I am having relationship troubles I feel like the fact that I am a semi-attractive geek is not enough.  Society and culture condition us to believe that if things go wrong it is probably because we aren’t pretty enough.  And I did not write this blog post fishing for validation, praise, or compliments (comments are completely un-necessary).  I wrote it because it is not fair that women are made to feel shitty about themselves when we do not have a Sephora card.  Even in the midst of how crappy I feel about myself, I have resisted going into the make-up mecca because of my firm belief that if it’s not on Amazon prime I can live without it.

Resolutions

The New Year has amplified the problem, including the many smart educated women in my life, everyone seems obsessed with looking better.  Not being happy but physically looking better.

Resolved 2015:

I will daily remind myself that my brain makes me hot.

I will continue to not go to Sephora.

I will spend more time gaming than primping (FYI grooming aka showers is not primp).

Tropes

I wrote about in my masters thesis a topic that has been popularized by Anita Sarkeesian that gaming tropes are not helping women.  Side note: I am totally geeking out about Joss and Anita hanging out and talking patriarchy.  As a geek I think that I am immune from social standards of beauty but that’s a big ole’ lie.  Booth babes, hypersexualized female game characters, and young attractive gaming journalists continue to make women geeks feel like shit.  I am writing this post because I don’t want to save my relationship by looking more like Christie Monteiro, Chun Li, or Lara Croft.  Instead, I am just going to keep being an awesome professor with hermoine hair, non-trope curves, and a ginormous brain.  

Beauty Rant Ended Some Other Stuff About Playing Games

Playing: Diablo 3

System: PS4

Developer: Blizzard

Reflection: Last night was my best friends birthdays so after a yoga class I joined her at a local gastro pub for a night out.  After I got home the kids were asleep and lunches were packed so I picked up my controller and played Diablo 3.  The bad news is that when you have had a margarita sometimes you run up to your party members thinking they are enemies in game.  The good news is that I leveled up twice, looted some new gear, and took the lead on teleportation. 

We decided yesterday that my husband should do some guest blogging.  We will ease into that with an interview format and maybe he will build up to actually contributing his own reflections.  Overall, it might be good to have more than a one sided conversation with the internet.