Helldivers

Day 61: Marriage is about surviving the monsters 

If you read this blog you know that First Person Shooters (FPS) are my least favorite video games.  There is plenty to get excited about in the gaming world during PAX East and by some twist of fate I was most excited about a co-op shooter.  I read an IGN review of Helldivers for the PS4 and the description of the plot had me at satirical riff on US imperialism and the write up mentioned playing with a romantic partner.  I included a quick video to give you an idea of what the game is like instead of writing an overview because I am being lazy. 

Stop Shooting your Wife

Co-op games are great for couples because you have to work together and stay out of one another’s way simultaneously.  We have only beaten one planet over the last few days.  I have had zero incidentals whereas the hubs has killed me 5 times.  In his defense, some of the fatalities were due to calling in air strikes and me not fleeing quickly enough.  Yesterday the kiddos watched us play and they actually think it is hilarious that their dad keeps shooting me, which is starting to bother me.  But I keep reminding myself that I play shooter games like a noob, and I haven't killed him yet, which brings me some comfort. 

Touch me gentle, push me hard.

For a lot of reasons I normally hate shooters.  One reason I actually sometimes like to play shooter games is for the ability to hold a trigger and spray bullets into monsters --it is so cathartic.  However, because the reload time is so long in this game, I try to be more conservative with my bullets.  Instead of my normal guns blazing strategy I have to tap R2 gently to only release one bullet at a time. 

Conversely, the left toggle has to be pushed and held hard to run.  Since my partner favors using a flame-thrower and keeps killing me, I had to learn to run in game.  I feel like pushing on my toggle so hard is going to break my controller but it seems fine.  The juxtaposition between a light right trigger finger and hard left thumb is hard to reconcile in my brain. 

Aspiring to be a Mec

Though I have detoured into the Buffy Board Game and Diablo, I am hoping to keep playing Helldivers until I can play as a mec.  This weekend gaming reminded me, never say never, when it comes to choosing a game title.  I still play PvZ daily but hated Garden Warfare; Normally I will never pick up an FPS but I am loving this one.  Each day we just drop in and try to make it out through the swarms of monsters, in this way, this game simulates our RL marriage.

Hubs on the Bugs 

I love this game, I love that the levels are short, that it's easy enough to play with Nate (the 6 year old), that it's hard enough we can't just breeze through it and that it's hilarious and goofy.  It's a fantastic dual stick shooter I love that they made it have friendly fire, it forces us to communicate with what we are planning. I can't just spray because I inevitably will shoot you in the back, I haven't in the last couple levels though! So now we have to say hey back up I will clear these guys, or hey call the drop ship I'll cover you! Or when you call in a turret we both have to run and hit the ground so we don't get shot up like the bugs.

Helldivers is just like a troubled marriage because sometimes you will see a bug and if you don't take it out immediately then more spring up out of the ground and it all turns to chaos as you start scrambling to survive.  To survive the swarm you have to communicate and work together and you will never succeed if one person is carrying the other and doing all the work.

I love the blog. I love the game. And I love my wife. Elbows.

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer Part 2

Day 48:  You can’t take the sky from me

In the comment section of my blog someone asked me to reflect on my personal faults that have brought me to this place in my life and marriage.  A few aspects of this answer include that I am brutally honest (that some people would also describe as being mean), and I know how smart I am, and I am stubborn.  It took me a long time to achieve these qualities and requires a lot of work to maintain my honesty, intelligence, and stubbornness.  Proceed in reading with caution and note that even if my personality has gotten me to where I am today, I have no plan to change anytime soon. 

Ambien versus BtVS

We all have self-care rituals that help us unwind at the end of a long day.  Some women can’t wait to soak in the tub, have some wine, snuggle, or review their DVR.  Although none of the previously mentioned options sounds off putting to me the most calming activity for me at the end of each day is to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 

After my last blog post I realized my consumption of Buffy is both sacred and habitual.  I find it difficult to sleep without the teenage angst and poof of vampires exploding into dust in the background.  Recently, I have tried to watch Alias, Lost Girl, or Xena (all equally acceptably kick-ass girl power shows) but they do not soothe me.  Only Buffy with a side of Mal can ever get it done for me.

Stubbornness

I am open to new experiences but once I find something I like it is hard for me to change.  Once I found Iyengar Yoga all other yoga just lost its shiny-ness for me and I became a devout follower.  Together with the twin, I have ordered the same sundae from our local creamery for over 20 years.  Mac not PC.  No time soon will I be aspiring to obtain a girl card from Sephora.  This list could go on for a while, but it will take anyone about 10 minutes of reviewing my blog to realize I am set in my ways. 

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer

Into every generation a CCB is born: one girl in all the world a chosen one. 

To borrow some words from recent online trolls, I am a Buffy-obsessed “dirty harlot” and “feminist tool.”  And it does not really matter if you like the woman described in this blog who also writes this blog.  I am living my destiny.  I am moving forward wearing my brown coat, and you can get on board with my mission, or get out of my way.  

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton

Day 43: Decreased Visibility Due to Fog 

Showing up to Sing for my Kiddos

Last night was a hard night and it felt impossible to get out of my own head.  Like every night, my kiddos want me to sing to them before they went to sleep.  My daughter has been helping with chores, cooking, and nagging of her younger brother.  She helps so much it is like I see her growing before my eyes.  I almost didn’t sing but after mass, sparing, yoga, and board games I was able to get out of my head enough to show up for them.  I am not trying to say that being with my kids is too hard, it is everything else that creates a great fog in my brain.

The Bakersfield Fog

What if my brain is like Bakersfield; a great valley that suffocates those inside it because the pollution settles and cannot escape.  What if that pollution stops me from seeing them, seeing myself, breathing?  I am grateful that for at least one night that the fog didn’t keep me from singing. 

My daughter has an amazing teacher who introduced her to the Beatles and she has requested the song “Blackbird” the last few nights.  I feel her breathing slow as she leans in closer as I sing it in a whisper.  For me, Blackbird is a song that needs to be sung in a whisper and not belted out, as the words cradle my love around her.  And in this perfect moment I remember that when the dust settles after family board games and they are cuddled in my arms, they are still these innocent perfect little creatures. 

Wil Wheaton: My Kids Are Calling You Out

As promised in a previous post my kids made a video asking Wil Wheaton to come play board games in Bakersfield at Paladin's Game Castle.  

More than a fanboy plea this was more of a challenge by my son for Wheaton to play against him.  The part of this conversation that was not caught on camera is a question of Wheaton’s true identity.  My son is convinced Wheaton also plays Steve on Blues Clues.  He kept referring to Wheaton as "Steve" and he will not be deterred in this matter (from a six year old this is a huge compliment).  

Wil Wheaton Thumbs up MineCraft

Steve thumbs up Blue's Clue

My kids ground me and showing up for them is something worth striving for (hint hint Wil Wheaton).   I know when I describe the scary air quality in the B-twon visiting seems less desirable.  And coming to Bakersfield to play board games might not change the world but it would be super awesome and you would get a thumbs up from some adorable little kids. 

A Treacherous River in Kern: Love and a Broken Marriage

Day 39: Making Progress without dynamite 

Loving a man is like swimming a river; you feel their waves, their currents, weather the storms-- together.

Recently I came upon a dam in my river.  Like most academics, my solution to this dam was to become an engineer and find a way to move the boulders.  I have spent my days plotting and fantasizing about how much dynamite is needed to explode the wall blocking the flow of the water.  But no matter how smart, strong, or powerful I become—or how much sh*t I set on fire-- my efforts are in vain.  The dam will only be moved one pebble at a time.

I have a lot of people in my life who love me and ask about the dam.  I hate reporting every day that it is still there.  The real answer is that a small pile of pebbles has accrued over the last few months.  The flow of water is still blocked but each pebble I am reminded that the direction of the water could one day change.

Each pebble represents a small change that is moving the new.  Here is a list of some of his pebbles:

PEBBLES

Building a LoTR deck to compliment my stubbornness of only playing with base dwarf set.

Sleeving my LoTR deck.
Quit drinking soda.

Threw out every super hero shirt he has ever owned.

Started carpooling with me to work every day.

Matching socks.

Made doctors appointments (without nagging).

Started drinking hot tea (my favorite drink).

Opening my car door even when we are rushing in the morning to leave for work

Going to mass every week.

Threw out his computer.

Eating salad for lunch.

Gave up access to podcasts.

Letting me pick our games.

Contributing to our blog.

Threw out chanklas.

Comes to bed at the same time as me every night..

Sends me random selfies just because.

Packing kids lunches. 

Loaded dropbox program carousel on our phones so we could share family photos more easily.

Gets mad and tell me, instead of holding back.

Takes the scenic route, even though it takes longer.

Deleted Facebook account.

Told the truth before I caught him in the lie about games belonging to me.

Makes his student call me “Dr.” and not “the wife”

Cancelled an out of town trip because it was too much for kids.

Has not left the house while I am sleeping. 

Researching date food (Yay Korean Fusion & House of Tehran ftw)

RCIA meetings.

Loaded turn-based games on our phones so we can play, when we can’t be together.

Cleans his classroom so it will be tidy when I visit.

Learned “Our Father” prayer and says it out loud.

Playing turn-based iPad games when I know he wishes it was WarMachine.

Texts me first.

Wears old man dress shoes because he knows I love them.

Stopped at after-school program and just helped random kids with math.

Writes in our couples journal every night.

Talks to me about music.

Loads the dishwasher when cranky.

Looks at games for us, instead of games for himself.

Advice: See the pebbles.  When you are in pain it easy to only see the boulders, but my advice today is see the pebbles and hold on to hope.

Why I don't just play games for my husband.

Day 23: I can't breathe, but I can play. 

As I write this sentence it is officially two months since I discovered my best friend was keeping secrets.  I made the choice shortly thereafter to begin this experiment, 100 days of gaming, and chose to play my way through the unknown.

As a successful professional woman, I spend my life devoted to my family, and dedicated to my career.  With so many delicate plates to keep spinning it is a wonder I find time for games and blogging.  Admittedly, I am slowly becoming accustomed to the sound of breaking porcelain.  Some have recently questioned if the only reason I play games is to keep my husband happy?  The truth is that some days I play out of obligation, some days I play just for him, other days I cannot wait to abandon RL and have the only challenge in my world for a few hours to move past a goblin or an orc.

Yoga with my adorable kids.

Yoga in spite of my kids. 

 Yesterday was a long day that began at 4am after only a few hours of restless sleep.  After teaching from 7:30am -2pm,  I went to a grueling yoga class, had yoga playtime with the kiddos and then waited for my Diablo date.  Even though I have the flu, and worked all day, and the kids were sleeping I stayed awake.  But why? 

My motives for playing are not really as important as the fact that when I play I feel joy.  Often when we play there are these moments of perfect synchronicity that have nothing to do with skill and everything to do with friendship.  I find these connections harder to identify in RL but so easy to stumble across in fantasy realms. 

Even when glowing arrows are gone, and we are exploring a terrain, our characters never stop moving along side-by-side without us ever speaking a word in RL.  A new boss appears in the screen and I realize I am holding my breathe, and then look to my left and realize he is doing the same (btw Blizzard graphics are so effing beautiful).  The exhilaration of fighting past a cache of demons and laughing raucously and not even having to look to know he is grinning too.

These moments are why I play.

Even though two months have passed, the betrayal is so visceral that I feel like I am suffocating.  All the time I feel like I cannot breathe, but the chasm created by all the lies becomes less daunting each time I pick up my controller.