F-ck Tropes and Resolutions

Day 3: Hair Styles vs. Games

Since my marriage fell apart I have attempted to style my hair every single day.  I say “attempt” because my hair is still mostly big, glittering, and unruly but not for lack of hot irons and smeared goop.

  

Forfeiting my Girl Card

I know that I am not an unfortunate looking woman.  However, I have never been a girly-girl.  I do not enjoy shopping and do not feel like its necessary to purchase special occasion attire annually: I have a good LBD.  I do not own a cache of smelly lotions and perfumes.  I do not coordinate things like make-up, accessories, or jewelry for occasions or seasons.  I like the color black because you can wear it all year round.  If I have a special occasion I have to watch youtube tutorials for how to apply make-up and eyeliner or just pay someone to do it for me.  My mother-in-law helps with the girl-ifcation process and is in many ways my own personal shopper.  I am compelled to mention her during this post and give her credit, because if you are pleased by my appearance you should know she has bought the majority of the make-up, purses, and jewelry I own.     

I spend my spare time watching Hulu, reading books, doing yoga, and now a lot of time (gasp) playing games.  But now that I am having relationship troubles I feel like the fact that I am a semi-attractive geek is not enough.  Society and culture condition us to believe that if things go wrong it is probably because we aren’t pretty enough.  And I did not write this blog post fishing for validation, praise, or compliments (comments are completely un-necessary).  I wrote it because it is not fair that women are made to feel shitty about themselves when we do not have a Sephora card.  Even in the midst of how crappy I feel about myself, I have resisted going into the make-up mecca because of my firm belief that if it’s not on Amazon prime I can live without it.

Resolutions

The New Year has amplified the problem, including the many smart educated women in my life, everyone seems obsessed with looking better.  Not being happy but physically looking better.

Resolved 2015:

I will daily remind myself that my brain makes me hot.

I will continue to not go to Sephora.

I will spend more time gaming than primping (FYI grooming aka showers is not primp).

Tropes

I wrote about in my masters thesis a topic that has been popularized by Anita Sarkeesian that gaming tropes are not helping women.  Side note: I am totally geeking out about Joss and Anita hanging out and talking patriarchy.  As a geek I think that I am immune from social standards of beauty but that’s a big ole’ lie.  Booth babes, hypersexualized female game characters, and young attractive gaming journalists continue to make women geeks feel like shit.  I am writing this post because I don’t want to save my relationship by looking more like Christie Monteiro, Chun Li, or Lara Croft.  Instead, I am just going to keep being an awesome professor with hermoine hair, non-trope curves, and a ginormous brain.  

Beauty Rant Ended Some Other Stuff About Playing Games

Playing: Diablo 3

System: PS4

Developer: Blizzard

Reflection: Last night was my best friends birthdays so after a yoga class I joined her at a local gastro pub for a night out.  After I got home the kids were asleep and lunches were packed so I picked up my controller and played Diablo 3.  The bad news is that when you have had a margarita sometimes you run up to your party members thinking they are enemies in game.  The good news is that I leveled up twice, looted some new gear, and took the lead on teleportation. 

We decided yesterday that my husband should do some guest blogging.  We will ease into that with an interview format and maybe he will build up to actually contributing his own reflections.  Overall, it might be good to have more than a one sided conversation with the internet.

Confronting my own Unconscious Bias: Ageism and Strong Women

As a self-proclaimed feminist and advocate for social justice it is hard to admit that I still succumb to negative stereotypes.  A few months ago, as part of a CFA union event, I learned about the theory of Unconscious Bias.  Unconscious Bias is not explicit discrimination, but instead it is when an individual subscribes to social narratives without realizing the consequences of their behavior.  The negative impact is the continued subjugation of social groups that lack agency. 

The subsequent section of my blog post this week includes personal stories about women who have helped me confront my own bias.  Squeamish readers proceed with caution.

Reflecting on my own Unconscious Bias:

It was an unassuming day in a level 2 Iyengar yoga class.  I remember thinking how young I felt surrounded by so many senior age women at the modest Los Angeles Iyengar institute.  One woman in the mat next to me looked frail but so beautiful and for a moment, I doubted her ability to endure the next 90 minutes in a mat beside me.  Fast-forward to an hour later, the class was one of the most grueling I had every attended and then we moved into inversions.  The woman beside me, who was in her late 60’s gracefully entered head stand and stayed for longer than it took me to set up my mat for balancing.  Fast forward to five minutes later, well after I had given up my balancing for the day.  I remember after sitting in child’s pose lifting my head with most of the class and I was astonished at this woman; still completely upside down like it was the same as standing for her.  Aside from feeling like an ageist brat, I also realized that this woman was who I want to become when I grow up.

Photo of me in sirsana (headstand) the pose discussed in the story with my awesome 7-year old holding my feet on March 6th 2014. 

This summer I dragged my then 6-year old to a 5k series.  She does love jogging, but in all honesty, I was thinking she would be an excuse to walk.  She jogged the event and attacked the hills like a little ass kicker.  When she got tired I got the opportunity to remind her that she is “amazing, strong and powerful” and each time she continued to conquer the hills and miles.  I hope every mother gets an opportunity to remind her 6-year olds that they have power in their little bodies.  No one told me I was strong, and it took too long in life to learn this fact.

When I decided to give birth to my son naturally, I realized about mid-crowning it was going to hurt like hell.  As I shared expletives liberally, the birthing nurses and my doctor, who were all women, remained calm.  They basically told me suck it up.  My 70 year old doctor remarked, “this was your plan and it’s a good plan.”  The nurse could tell I was skeptical at my doctor’s remark and reminded me to “just breathe and that after only a few pushes you get to meet your new baby.”  I focused and kept her words about minimal pushes in my mind and after only 1 good push my son was crying in my arms.  Only moments before I thought all the women in my room were crazy and then, in that moment I realize there are few limitations to what my body can do if I stop letting my mind hold me back.  I realized at that moment I am strong, but somehow I still manage to subscribe to social ideas about the power of women.

Women are physically powerful, at every age, and each of us should remember that everyday.  

*This weeks post subject was not about technology. it includes links to online tools to help understand Unconscious Bias.  It was also written in route to the CSU Teaching Symposium using train wifi and my trusty laptop.