99 Days of Emotional Video Game Blogging

Day 99: The Audit

April 15^th is a day most grown ups dread and like other procrastinating adults we were derailed from gaming by the taxman.  The only gaming that took place yesterday was a few moves of mobile Carcossone.  But the government is not the only reason we were distracted we have also spent much of our downtime watching an episode of the new Netflix show DareDevil. 

There are 24 hours left until “D-day.”  I euphemistically referred to tomorrow, or the end of 100 days, as when I would make the choice between Diablo and divorce.  And it is probably a good sign that over the last few weeks I have stopped labeling my blog posts with the word divorce but as every good researcher knows, current trends do not determine final outcomes.  Today the plan is to get the hubs the moment he gets off work and get as much gaming in as possible.

I have been working on an audit about how this experiment has changed me emotionally, my relationship with the hubs, and if it provided any insight into what to do with our broken marriage.  The thing that surprised me the most is that I wrote as much about my feelings as I did what games we played.   

I have decided to map my blog.  To create themes and sub-themes of the topics and emotions that have filled the last 100 days.  I placed asterisks next to my favorite post in each category.  

Guess what I am thinking about (hint: not taxes). 

The Experiment

Quitting my Marriage and Picking Up a Controller- Day 1

Why Play Games Instead of Getting a Divorce?-Day 4

 Can Video Games Save a Marriage?- Day 10

 12 Years of Holding Hands and Holding Controllers-Day 11

Gone Girl the Game- Day 13

The Husband's Side of the Story- Day 18

Why I don't just play games for my husband.-Day 23

Treacherous River in Kern: Love and aBroken Marriage- Day 39

Love and Legos- Day 41

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton- Day 43

**The Laundry Goblins- Day 51

Warmachine Widow- Day 54

Helldivers- Day 61 

Married People Play Video Games in a Scandalous Way- Day 65

The Hubs Guest Blog 2.0- Day 67

Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77

Video Games and Indoctrinating our Youth-Day86

Emotional Venting

Bring it on

Why Play Games Instead of Getting a Divorce?-Day 4

The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done in MyLife- Day 16

Things that are Hard 2.0 –Day 17 

**Why I don't just play games for my husband.-Day 23

Gear is Better than Roses- Day 37

Living in the Shadow of a Kick A$$ Wife- Day41

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton- Day 43

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer-Day 47

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer Part 2- Day 48

Warmachine Widow- Day 54

Helldivers: Survive the hard stuff and don't shoot your wife-Day 63 

Spit, Teach, Love: Today's Rant about Hope instead of Gaming- Day64

Gamer Family and Geek Parenting

I hope you dance- Day 8

Leaving My Family- Day 29 

Rapists, Video Games, and Valentines Day- Day 35

Love and Legos- Day 41

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton- Day 43

**The Hubs Guest Blog 2.0- Day 67

Video Games and Indoctrinating our Youth-Day 86

Chronicles of  Gaming Mommy - Day 93

Geek family FTW

Romance

I hope you dance- Day 8

12 Years of Holding Hands and Holding Controllers-Day 11

Gone Girl the Game- Day 13

Leaving My Family- Day 29 

Rapists, Video Games, and Valentines Day- Day35

Gear is Better than Roses- Day 37

**A Treacherous River in Kern: Love and aBroken Marriage- Day 39

Kissing brown hair 

Kissing blue hair 

Love and Legos- Day 41

Big Eyes, Small Mouth- Day 52

Married People Play Video Games in a Scandalous Way- Day 65 

Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77

Video Games and Indoctrinating our Youth-Day86

Beauty and Self Esteem

The Infamous Blue Hair

**F-ck Tropes and Resolutions- Day 3

Things that are Hard 2.0 –Day 17

Living in the Shadow of a Kick A$$ Wife- Day41

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer-Day 47

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer Part 2- Day 48

Glitter vs Jem Part 1- Day 52
 
Glitter vs Jem Part 2- Day 53
 
Helldivers: Survive the hard stuff and don't shoot your wife-Day 63
 
Glitter vs JemPart 3- Day 68

The Hubs

DM with a Hairbow

The Husband's Side of the Story- Day 18 

Why I don't just play games for my husband.-Day 23

Gear is Better than Roses- Day 37

A Treacherous River in Kern: Love and a Broken Marriage- Day 39 Love and Legos- Day 41

Warmachine Widow- Day 54

 **Helldivers- Day 61

Married People Play Video Games in a Scandalous Way- Day 65 

Video Games and Indoctrinating our Youth-Day 86

The Hubs Guest Blog 2.0- Day 67

Warmachine

Things that are Hard 2.0 –Day 17

Rapists, Video Games, and Valentines Day- Day35

**Warmachine Widow- Day 54

Wil Wheaton

**The Return of Hope aka Wil Wheaton –Day 27

Upgrade your phone, not your wife- Day 30

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton- Day 43

Helldivers: Survive the hard stuff and don't shoot your wife-Day 63

Buffy

Living in the Shadow of a Kick A$$ Wife- Day41

**Tales of a Wannabe Slayer-Day 47

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer Part 2- Day 48

Community of Play (#gatheryourparty) 

Love and Legos- Day 41

**Big Eyes, Small Mouth- Day 52

Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77

 

Travelling

Gone Girl the Game- Day 13

Things that are Hard 2.0 –Day 17

Leaving My Family- Day 29 

Upgrade your phone, not your wife- Day 30

**Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77
 

Shopping and Money

Trade-In Underwear for Games- Day 9

**Gone Girl the Game- Day 13

Shooter Games 

I tried… but I still hate Shooters

Helldivers- Day 61 

**Helldivers: Survive the hard stuff and don't shoot your wife-Day 63

Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77

The Hubs Guest Blog 2.0- Day 67

Glitter vs Jem Part 2

Day 53: Should I cut and color my gray hair part 2?

My next few blog posts will break from reflecting on married gaming.  Instead, I am soliciting input from my readers about my hair quandary.  I will tell the story of my own hair journey and ask for input and advice on whether I should cut off my long glittery/silver locks and dye my hair an outrageous color? 

All natural waves and gray

Flat ironed rogue strip

PRO GRAY HAIR: Rogue and Real Hair

Thanks to genetics, I started going gray when I was in my late teens and I used to color my hair every month because that is what you do.  But in 2012 I started my doctoral program and to cut family expenses I decided to forego my one beauty treatment.  The 80 dollars cost converts to a new video game a month and it was easier to stop than you would imagine.  I was pleased when a defined streak of gray appeared that looked much like Rogue from X-men.  Over the last 3 years I get regular commentary on my hair from men and women of all ages.  People either hate or love my gray hair.

In 2013 I was in a Vespa collision that shattered my left wrist and forearm.  After surgery and subsequent recovery I could not wash or style my own hair.  I was forced to accept the natural waves and frizz that can be tamed with a few spritzes introduced by my mother-in-law.  With only one working hand I still maintained a 4.0 GPA in my doctoral program and fully embraced my natural hair color and wave. 

Fast-forward to now.  I am conflicted between keeping my God-given glitter or going for a Jem-style? In some small measure I want to feel sexy, and trendy, and truly outrageous.  The superficial voice has been long over-ruled by my own strong sense of self that thinks I do not have to buy into social norms of feminine beauty.  A major change on the outside will not make me a better or different gamer, professor, wife, or person.

PRO GEM HAIR: Grandma’s Greatest Regret

I have been surprised that so many people in real life are critical of my gray, but online there have been very few people that advocate for a hair change.

Unlike the hubs who loves to spend money and crazy spoils our kiddos I am a frugal person.  I worry that my resistance to change is less of feminist principle and more related to my inability to be frivolous and fun when it comes to myself. Even if I change my hair I will never be a girly-girl, I would just be a gamer geek mom with a new haircut. 

The loudest opponent of my gray hair is my grandmother.  In her prime my grandmother had at least 5 different color beehives, a large collection of hair extensions, and infamously hid from my grandfather that she was not a real redhead until after their marriage.  She recently shared that one of her greatest regrets was never having platinum blonde hair. I hate to be seventy years old and sharing with her same the regret.

But then again maybe I will wish I spent more money on yoga and beer and less on hair color. 

Glitter vs Jem Part 1

 Day 52: Should I cut and color my gray hair? 

My next few blog posts will break from reflecting on married gaming.  Instead, I am soliciting input from my readers about my hair quandary.   I will tell the story of my own hair journey and ask for input and advice on whether I should cut off my long glittery/silver locks and dye my hair an outrageous color? 

My streak of glitter 

Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous

When I was a little girl I was obsessed with Ghost Busters.  Who am I kidding I am still totally obsessed and cannot wait for the kickstarter board game and upcoming movie reboot.  But when I was a kiddo my play dates were filled with talk of marshmallow men and evil paintings.  Living next door to my grandparents was the Egon to my Venkmen, a lifelong friend who had two eco-packs.  Together we regularly fought the forces of evil and collected old fireworks and bugs along Vassar Street.  Other than my eco-pack, I never really gave any thought to my attire or gender while pinning our bug collections to a bulletin board. 

I was mostly a tomboy, but Saturday mornings were the exception when I was transfixed by Jem and the Holagrams.  To me Jem was kick-a$$ pink version of Gene Simmons.  Long before I wanted to be a college professor I was fantasizing about having crazy pink hair and jewelry that connected me to a super computer. It just occurred to me in the last 24-hours I could totally have pink hair and super jewelry.

Bad Hair

When I was 16 my identical twin entered beauty school.  It was around this time that I first realized that most young women don’t just come to school with the way their hair naturally looks, they spend time manipulating and styling it (I still prefer sleep).  It would be another decade before my twin would bequeath me a flat iron, barrel curling iron, and hair dryer.  I have always known how to French braid or create a ponytail but in my 33 years I have only recently attempted to “style” my hair because I feel crappy about my appearance.  Hair is considerably important to the way women both perceive themselves and are perceived.  My hair has always been a way for me to say: I like myself, even if I don’t fit into your hypersexualized, younger, better version of what I could look like.   

Buffy Hair

Twelve years ago, and inspired by a season 6 episode of Buffy "Gone" and I cut off all of my hair.  This is actually a great story about how being married to me can be unpredictable. 

I was watching Buffy and working on my masters thesis, as a sidenote the topic of that paper was sex in video games.  Buffy was playing in the background and I realized I was pulling on my hair.  I walked into the bathroom and cut it all off.  Unlike Buffy, my hair looked terrible.  I immediately drove the 100 miles from college to have my twin fix the mess I made.  Her only option to correct my hack job was a pair of clippers.  She was very pregnant and berated me throughout the process, after her required payment of Cherry Garcia ice cream I headed back to school. 

Short Hair at E3

When I arrived to our flat/ aka the garage we rented, the hubs was already asleep.  It was a long drive so I collapsed beside him relieved to finally be home.  A few hours later I woke up to screaming.  His screaming.  Imagine his surprise when he woke up beside a person in face down with a buzz cut and had no idea who it was?  Though he never woke me screaming again for weeks his hands would roam to the nape of my neck and find my hair missing.

 But I don’t want to keep long hair just so its there when the hubs reaches for it.  

The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done in My Life

Car selfie.  Trying to smile. 

Day 16: A Quest Above my Character Level 

WARNING: This post is emotional venting.  It is the manic writing of a woman who has not slept and still decided to blog.

The hardest thing I have ever done in my life is to get out of bed.  Every day since my life was upturned and I lost my sense of self and it just seems to get harder every day.   

Yesterday my day started at 2am with a violently puking child (think Linda Blaire).  Needless to say I missed work and was completely derailed by disinfecting every inch of my home and taking care of two sick kids.  Thursdays are normally long days and the husband still had to follow through with after work meetings and religious education in the evening.  As icing on the proverbial cake he was also delayed further when the car battery died.  We only saw each other for less than an hour the entire day.  By the end of the day I am surprised we were able to turn on the iPad albeit play a game together.

Game: Hearthstone

System: iPad

Developer: Blizzard

Reflection: Last night was almost one of the days that playing games was too much.  It probably was too much but we did it anyway.  I could barely climb into the bed let alone get my brain to make choices about which cards to play in Hearthstone.  The mental thought of one more task, one more thought, one more moment with my eyes open felt impossible. But we finished the game and threw in a round of PvZ for good measure.

What parents really look like at 11 pm. 

If you have ever experienced grief you probably understand the feeling that every day the hardest thing I do is get out of bed.  As I lay awake at 5am in cold darkness the thoughts of getting dressed, answering emails, pumping gas, smiling at passing cars all feel un-surmountable.  I keep waiting for my faith in humanity to be restored, for my pain to subside, to just be better.  Instead I slide on my shoes, wake up my babies, turn on the kettle, and start all over again.

My Refusal to Upgrade

One of my most annoying gaming habits is not equipping new gear, especially in Diablo.  I level up or get tons of loot and then just turn off the system.  I know the gear is there but I am too lazy, too proud, or too stubborn to use it.  It has been a saving grace in RL that many of my friends continue to feed me, fold my laundry, lend me energetic dogs—even though I regularly tell them I don’t need anything.

Quest Above my Character Level 

Kitchen selfie: Facing the day. 

The path back to myself is still a long treacherous one with many levels, bosses, easter eggs, and level ups to face.  I will say that during this blog /experiment thus far it has been easy to play with, love, and enjoy my partner.  Love, forgiveness, and gaming are simple.  Getting out of bed in the morning, facing the woman in the mirror: that is the quest I fear the most.