Video Games and Couples' Communication

Day 156: Deep Dark Secrets 

This post is intended for my fellow gamers and I am hoping that non-gamers lack interest and do not explore.  Today I will reveal some deep dark secrets that might have implications (so don’t rat me out or I will stop blogging).

I will stop blogging if you rat me out.

And I will come after you.  Be afraid. 

Video Games, Venting, and Long Phone Calls

When bad stuff goes down most people need to vent and if a therapist is not available they call a friend or relative.  I am so lucky to be part of a large family and have a great network of friends that support one another.  The downside is that I regularly get calls that last for a minimum of an hour comforting or letting some just talk through their current crisis.  This is not me whining because I will be the first to admit that I have the gift of gab and talk just as much as the next person.  But some days I just don’t have it in me to be a good friend and console others. 

Question from a Reader

Recently I received an email from a wife asking what my thoughts are on her hubs ignoring her to play games?  My first impulse was to say that is a jerk move and its never okay to ignore you partner.  I even started to construct a blog post about patriarchy and power relationships between different genders.  But then I realized that’s actually a lie.  There are several times when it is completely acceptable to both be at home, hanging out, and not fully engaged with one another because one of you is playing a game (um I did that for 10 minutes this morning before I got out of bed while playing PvZ).

It’s Okay to Play Solo and Block Out Drama

For example.  When lets say just for sake of argument that my twin calls and needs to tell me about the horrible encounter she had with her kids school that day.  As soon as she takes a deep inhalation I know this is going to be a long call.  If she seems particularly upset I will put my controller down and give the hubs a knowing look.  He is cool about letting me sit beside him while he plays a solo game and I listen and support my sis. 

The way I use games that is NOT good while interacting with others

"Oh no they didn't: what did you say?"

What is NOT cool to do to your partner is to use games as a way to dodge communications.  For example.  Sometimes people call and I just need to finish a final planet so I can get my upgraded mech in Helldivers.  I will still answer my phone and listen to my sis (just an illustration) but will often mute my phone.  If I do not mute my phone I will mute the TV and wear headphones while I soothe the sis and kill some bugs.  So I totally do this.  Like more than once or twice a month I am guilty of being there for someone but being a superficial and shitty listener.  I mean I get some brownie points for answering the phone but really any advice I provide is not really going to make the school administration stop being crappy to the person telling the story.  Even though I do this on a regular basis it is really uncool to do this to your life partner.  Well its really uncool to do it to anyone but lets get real.  Its like the scene from Ferris Buellers Day Off when sometimes people just need a reassuring “ah”, “I know” and “I agree that is so unfair” not for you to actually solve their problem. 

Tip for the day: try to be together even when you play single person games.  I fold laundry, grade papers, and read my angsty paranormal romance while the hubs plays solo games beside me that don’t interest me.  He sleeps, folds laundry, paints models, give instructions, and surfs the internet while I play solo beside him.  We do not always have to be playing a game together to feel connected.  Plus watching someone kill big ugly demons can really be soothing while you are on a long venting phone call.

Don't be a Jerk and use games to ignore people (all the time)

Chronicles of a Gaming Mommy

Day 93: Its the final countdown 

The Wicked Witch of Bakersfield

What is with random crap falling from the sky?

I wish I could equip red-stripped socks in the game Helldivers because then I would resemble the Wizard of Oz witch both physical and in the way we both meet our untimely deaths.  During Helldivers strangers keep joining our campaign and every time they drop from the sky they crush me.  I never saw it coming, all three times I did not see the heavy metal human carrier falling from the sky.  And yes I did change my settings so that only people I know will join my party.

Diablo Treasure Goblin

It has been hard to get solo time on the PS4 because every spare moment is usually spent with the hubs.  But the other day he had a conference call and I got to log some Diablo time.   My 6-year old

Diablo Treasure Goblin 

is an avid spectator of treasure goblins in Diablo.  This kid is like a lucky charm because even though I only played solo for an hour I killed four different treasure goblins.  The hubs was super jealous and our tiny son was so elated each time he spotted a new troll he would start pointing and screaming, “that way, follow the gold, go go, faster mommy.”  Although some might question letting my kid observe Diablo, I say this kid is my lucky charm and it would be stupid to play without him.

Support Good Developers

My kids call my iPad the “Buffy Player” or “PvZ” machine.   Technically they aren’t wrong ,I do partake in both of these activities daily. 

This is going to sound like a really stupid realization to other gamers but I need to give more money to good developers.  My kid was highly motivated to behave by playing seasonal piñata levels multiple days in a row in PvZ.  The latest piñatas were all easter egg themed and my kid could not wait to see what the new daily challenge would be. 

My realization came to me after a conversation with the hubs.  I was talking about how we are hording our gems to buy new plants and he reminded us that we could always buy gems with RL money.  At first this seemed frivolous to me, but on further reflection I realize how stupid that is.  I play PvZ almost every day on my iPad.  I got the PvZ app for free and really spending six bucks to get a few upgraded plants is a small pittance.

My Plan to Torture My Teenagers

Like other holidays we do not just leave gifts for our kids to pounce on but make them do some work.  This Easter the hubs used his new calligraphy pen to write bunny notes and leave them hidden around the house. The scavenger hunt was a huge success but a major source of pride is that my six an eight year old kiddos were able to puzzle out the LotR clue in less than 30 seconds. As I mentioned in my previous post, sharing, creating, and playing games is a family affair.  For my entire life I will always remember the excitement as the kids collaborated and reveled in hunting together.  And even when they are moody and angsty teenager I have every intention of making them search for their gifts through a series of cryptic clues.

The kiddos & their loot on easter 

I know todays blog was all over the place, even more so than usual.  But I have a very busy brain and I needed to get some of my reflections written before I go crazy.  There is only one week remaining of our 100 day experiment and I can't say anything about its outcomes yet other than I have no intention of putting down my controller.  

The hubs distracting me while I blog 

Video Games and Indoctrinating our Youth

Day 86: A Love Story

As a gaming couple we have had a mission during our spring break stay-cation.  And that mission was to play a bunch of different games with our kids.

Family Dungeons and Dragons

As a couple we decided the kids are finally old enough to be initiated into geek culture by playing their first Dungeons and Dragons game.  Our children understand board games, and digital games but role-playing and storytelling with their parents seemed a radical idea to them (minds officially blown).  Here is our current character roster for the family game:

Age                 Character                  Name                          Skills

6-Year-Old     Thief/fighter              Sneaky Death              Stealth

8-Year-Old     Wizard                       Elanna                        Controls Ice

33 Year Old   Baird                           Mama Cas                  Sings People to Sleep

33 Year Old   DM                                                                 Sound FX  & crazy monsters

At the start of the campaign the kids wanted to physically interact with the DM (their dad).  Elanna offered the massive gate guard a real life hair bow as a gesture of goodwill (which of course her dad immediately wore).  It was adorable until she wanted to give each new character we encountered a new hair bow.  Sneaky Death is having a hard time playing as a team and when new challenges appear he often suggests that his character should run and hide or abandon his party.  To get them to comply several times my character, Mama Cas, sang her own party to sleep so she could move them to the next phase of the campaign.

I was worried with the kids home for ten days that they would become addicted to their digital devices,--they have proved me wrong.  A week after our first game DnD the kids created an impromptu surprise party for the hubs and me.  They designed their own tickets, gift bags, trivia game, and snacks.  The resourcefulness of these little people reminded me they still know how to make-believe even without a dungeon master to direct them.

 

DM Dad with Hairbow

First Family Dungeon and Dragon game

D20 and Positive Re-enforcement

Whenever I suggest the hubs make a game related purchase he is on his iphone using amazon prime before I can change my mind.  We had read about using marbles in a jar as a representation of positive behavior for the kids but local craft stores did not have the gems that we had in mind.  Then I casually mentioned that we should buy a bulk order of dice and use them instead and you can imagine my utter lack of surprise when the amazon box appeared a day later. 

It makes me entirely too happy when my kids find out they earned a dice and then asks, “Do I get a D20.”

One rule is that no one gets dice if they barter or ask for dice for accomplishing a task.  When they fill their jar they can earn an individual play date with a friend or solo parent, or combine their jars for a large family outing.  Last night when I came to tuck them in, they were laying in bed planning out their ideal family day with a movie and arcade visit (indoctrination success).

Two Weeks Left

My spring break does not coincide with the hubs and kiddos and it has been nice to come home from work and find them all playing together.  All together we have played Helldivers, Dungeons andDragons, Munchkin, Catan Junior, and Plants versus Zombies (of course).

The hubs has been playing games his entire life and he cannot even define the earliest point of origin. Together we have been playing games at least 17 years.  I have been blogging about our gaming for more than 6 years.  And for the last 86 days I have used games as a way to communicate, love, and cope within my marriage. 

Reflection: As an academic and gamer I am often the target of rants that associate gaming with everything from the deterioration of interpersonal communication, to desensitizing youth to violence—but in my life games have been a love story with many high and low points.  The legacy of that love story is brought full circle by playing with the two beautiful little humans that we made. 

Photo of family hike with our awesome kiddos during stay-cation 2015

The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done in My Life

Car selfie.  Trying to smile. 

Day 16: A Quest Above my Character Level 

WARNING: This post is emotional venting.  It is the manic writing of a woman who has not slept and still decided to blog.

The hardest thing I have ever done in my life is to get out of bed.  Every day since my life was upturned and I lost my sense of self and it just seems to get harder every day.   

Yesterday my day started at 2am with a violently puking child (think Linda Blaire).  Needless to say I missed work and was completely derailed by disinfecting every inch of my home and taking care of two sick kids.  Thursdays are normally long days and the husband still had to follow through with after work meetings and religious education in the evening.  As icing on the proverbial cake he was also delayed further when the car battery died.  We only saw each other for less than an hour the entire day.  By the end of the day I am surprised we were able to turn on the iPad albeit play a game together.

Game: Hearthstone

System: iPad

Developer: Blizzard

Reflection: Last night was almost one of the days that playing games was too much.  It probably was too much but we did it anyway.  I could barely climb into the bed let alone get my brain to make choices about which cards to play in Hearthstone.  The mental thought of one more task, one more thought, one more moment with my eyes open felt impossible. But we finished the game and threw in a round of PvZ for good measure.

What parents really look like at 11 pm. 

If you have ever experienced grief you probably understand the feeling that every day the hardest thing I do is get out of bed.  As I lay awake at 5am in cold darkness the thoughts of getting dressed, answering emails, pumping gas, smiling at passing cars all feel un-surmountable.  I keep waiting for my faith in humanity to be restored, for my pain to subside, to just be better.  Instead I slide on my shoes, wake up my babies, turn on the kettle, and start all over again.

My Refusal to Upgrade

One of my most annoying gaming habits is not equipping new gear, especially in Diablo.  I level up or get tons of loot and then just turn off the system.  I know the gear is there but I am too lazy, too proud, or too stubborn to use it.  It has been a saving grace in RL that many of my friends continue to feed me, fold my laundry, lend me energetic dogs—even though I regularly tell them I don’t need anything.

Quest Above my Character Level 

Kitchen selfie: Facing the day. 

The path back to myself is still a long treacherous one with many levels, bosses, easter eggs, and level ups to face.  I will say that during this blog /experiment thus far it has been easy to play with, love, and enjoy my partner.  Love, forgiveness, and gaming are simple.  Getting out of bed in the morning, facing the woman in the mirror: that is the quest I fear the most.