The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done in My Life

Car selfie.  Trying to smile. 

Day 16: A Quest Above my Character Level 

WARNING: This post is emotional venting.  It is the manic writing of a woman who has not slept and still decided to blog.

The hardest thing I have ever done in my life is to get out of bed.  Every day since my life was upturned and I lost my sense of self and it just seems to get harder every day.   

Yesterday my day started at 2am with a violently puking child (think Linda Blaire).  Needless to say I missed work and was completely derailed by disinfecting every inch of my home and taking care of two sick kids.  Thursdays are normally long days and the husband still had to follow through with after work meetings and religious education in the evening.  As icing on the proverbial cake he was also delayed further when the car battery died.  We only saw each other for less than an hour the entire day.  By the end of the day I am surprised we were able to turn on the iPad albeit play a game together.

Game: Hearthstone

System: iPad

Developer: Blizzard

Reflection: Last night was almost one of the days that playing games was too much.  It probably was too much but we did it anyway.  I could barely climb into the bed let alone get my brain to make choices about which cards to play in Hearthstone.  The mental thought of one more task, one more thought, one more moment with my eyes open felt impossible. But we finished the game and threw in a round of PvZ for good measure.

What parents really look like at 11 pm. 

If you have ever experienced grief you probably understand the feeling that every day the hardest thing I do is get out of bed.  As I lay awake at 5am in cold darkness the thoughts of getting dressed, answering emails, pumping gas, smiling at passing cars all feel un-surmountable.  I keep waiting for my faith in humanity to be restored, for my pain to subside, to just be better.  Instead I slide on my shoes, wake up my babies, turn on the kettle, and start all over again.

My Refusal to Upgrade

One of my most annoying gaming habits is not equipping new gear, especially in Diablo.  I level up or get tons of loot and then just turn off the system.  I know the gear is there but I am too lazy, too proud, or too stubborn to use it.  It has been a saving grace in RL that many of my friends continue to feed me, fold my laundry, lend me energetic dogs—even though I regularly tell them I don’t need anything.

Quest Above my Character Level 

Kitchen selfie: Facing the day. 

The path back to myself is still a long treacherous one with many levels, bosses, easter eggs, and level ups to face.  I will say that during this blog /experiment thus far it has been easy to play with, love, and enjoy my partner.  Love, forgiveness, and gaming are simple.  Getting out of bed in the morning, facing the woman in the mirror: that is the quest I fear the most.