99 Days of Emotional Video Game Blogging

Day 99: The Audit

April 15^th is a day most grown ups dread and like other procrastinating adults we were derailed from gaming by the taxman.  The only gaming that took place yesterday was a few moves of mobile Carcossone.  But the government is not the only reason we were distracted we have also spent much of our downtime watching an episode of the new Netflix show DareDevil. 

There are 24 hours left until “D-day.”  I euphemistically referred to tomorrow, or the end of 100 days, as when I would make the choice between Diablo and divorce.  And it is probably a good sign that over the last few weeks I have stopped labeling my blog posts with the word divorce but as every good researcher knows, current trends do not determine final outcomes.  Today the plan is to get the hubs the moment he gets off work and get as much gaming in as possible.

I have been working on an audit about how this experiment has changed me emotionally, my relationship with the hubs, and if it provided any insight into what to do with our broken marriage.  The thing that surprised me the most is that I wrote as much about my feelings as I did what games we played.   

I have decided to map my blog.  To create themes and sub-themes of the topics and emotions that have filled the last 100 days.  I placed asterisks next to my favorite post in each category.  

Guess what I am thinking about (hint: not taxes). 

The Experiment

Quitting my Marriage and Picking Up a Controller- Day 1

Why Play Games Instead of Getting a Divorce?-Day 4

 Can Video Games Save a Marriage?- Day 10

 12 Years of Holding Hands and Holding Controllers-Day 11

Gone Girl the Game- Day 13

The Husband's Side of the Story- Day 18

Why I don't just play games for my husband.-Day 23

Treacherous River in Kern: Love and aBroken Marriage- Day 39

Love and Legos- Day 41

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton- Day 43

**The Laundry Goblins- Day 51

Warmachine Widow- Day 54

Helldivers- Day 61 

Married People Play Video Games in a Scandalous Way- Day 65

The Hubs Guest Blog 2.0- Day 67

Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77

Video Games and Indoctrinating our Youth-Day86

Emotional Venting

Bring it on

Why Play Games Instead of Getting a Divorce?-Day 4

The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done in MyLife- Day 16

Things that are Hard 2.0 –Day 17 

**Why I don't just play games for my husband.-Day 23

Gear is Better than Roses- Day 37

Living in the Shadow of a Kick A$$ Wife- Day41

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton- Day 43

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer-Day 47

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer Part 2- Day 48

Warmachine Widow- Day 54

Helldivers: Survive the hard stuff and don't shoot your wife-Day 63 

Spit, Teach, Love: Today's Rant about Hope instead of Gaming- Day64

Gamer Family and Geek Parenting

I hope you dance- Day 8

Leaving My Family- Day 29 

Rapists, Video Games, and Valentines Day- Day 35

Love and Legos- Day 41

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton- Day 43

**The Hubs Guest Blog 2.0- Day 67

Video Games and Indoctrinating our Youth-Day 86

Chronicles of  Gaming Mommy - Day 93

Geek family FTW

Romance

I hope you dance- Day 8

12 Years of Holding Hands and Holding Controllers-Day 11

Gone Girl the Game- Day 13

Leaving My Family- Day 29 

Rapists, Video Games, and Valentines Day- Day35

Gear is Better than Roses- Day 37

**A Treacherous River in Kern: Love and aBroken Marriage- Day 39

Kissing brown hair 

Kissing blue hair 

Love and Legos- Day 41

Big Eyes, Small Mouth- Day 52

Married People Play Video Games in a Scandalous Way- Day 65 

Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77

Video Games and Indoctrinating our Youth-Day86

Beauty and Self Esteem

The Infamous Blue Hair

**F-ck Tropes and Resolutions- Day 3

Things that are Hard 2.0 –Day 17

Living in the Shadow of a Kick A$$ Wife- Day41

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer-Day 47

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer Part 2- Day 48

Glitter vs Jem Part 1- Day 52
 
Glitter vs Jem Part 2- Day 53
 
Helldivers: Survive the hard stuff and don't shoot your wife-Day 63
 
Glitter vs JemPart 3- Day 68

The Hubs

DM with a Hairbow

The Husband's Side of the Story- Day 18 

Why I don't just play games for my husband.-Day 23

Gear is Better than Roses- Day 37

A Treacherous River in Kern: Love and a Broken Marriage- Day 39 Love and Legos- Day 41

Warmachine Widow- Day 54

 **Helldivers- Day 61

Married People Play Video Games in a Scandalous Way- Day 65 

Video Games and Indoctrinating our Youth-Day 86

The Hubs Guest Blog 2.0- Day 67

Warmachine

Things that are Hard 2.0 –Day 17

Rapists, Video Games, and Valentines Day- Day35

**Warmachine Widow- Day 54

Wil Wheaton

**The Return of Hope aka Wil Wheaton –Day 27

Upgrade your phone, not your wife- Day 30

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton- Day 43

Helldivers: Survive the hard stuff and don't shoot your wife-Day 63

Buffy

Living in the Shadow of a Kick A$$ Wife- Day41

**Tales of a Wannabe Slayer-Day 47

Tales of a Wannabe Slayer Part 2- Day 48

Community of Play (#gatheryourparty) 

Love and Legos- Day 41

**Big Eyes, Small Mouth- Day 52

Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77

 

Travelling

Gone Girl the Game- Day 13

Things that are Hard 2.0 –Day 17

Leaving My Family- Day 29 

Upgrade your phone, not your wife- Day 30

**Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77
 

Shopping and Money

Trade-In Underwear for Games- Day 9

**Gone Girl the Game- Day 13

Shooter Games 

I tried… but I still hate Shooters

Helldivers- Day 61 

**Helldivers: Survive the hard stuff and don't shoot your wife-Day 63

Far and Away from my PS4- Day 77

The Hubs Guest Blog 2.0- Day 67

The Hubs Guest Blog 2.0

Day 67: Memories and Shot Guns 

Our family’s current gaming obsession is Helldivers.  Me and Chris will play a couple levels every day and Nate (the 6 year-old) even plays occasionally if he has been good.  The game has even drawn Inara in as a very active observer (she loves when me or Chris kill each other). Hell, even my mom got sucked in the other day.  The game is great but it has this quality where it is always creating “moments”

This occurred to me when me and the Doc were walking through Target and she was upset that Inara only wants to watch because she hopes we will kill each other.  I explained that I’m pretty sure Inara just gets sucked into those “moments.” Every good movie, or game has them, like when Gimli and Legolas are counting off how many Orcs they have killed at Helmsdeep,  Or the scene in Pacific Rim where Mako reveals that she added a Giant Kaiju slaying sword to Gypsy Danger.  

Or if you are more game inclined the first time you jump over Bowser and learn “the princess is in another castle” or the first time you really hear Comstock say “Would you kindly…”  maybe even the first time a motion game actually “works”.  All good movies or games should have these moments, usually carefully crafted by their creators but great games let you make your own.

The fact that Helldivers makes these moments all the time is why we love it.  This blog posts is meant to share a few examples of these moments for our family created by the game Helldivers.

It's the gun Not me really (Inara's Favorite)

I had just unlocked the shotgun and decided to try it out on a mission.  We are running through the level and Chris ran ahead, I came up to shoot the bugs surrounding her and BAM the bugs are all dead, so is she.  Crap.  So I call in a drop pod to bring her back.  Moments later a patrol shows up and we are swarmed by bugs, we both start firing killing bugs left and right, when the dust settles I realize I’m the only one left, I killed her again.  Since it was so close to calling her in I had to wait another minute in game to call her in.  I scramble and run until I can call her back in, when she is back we run to the shuttle.  We call in the shuttle and just have to survive the 90 seconds till it shows up, I’m being careful only shooting bugs, we start to get surrounded and I run then at the last second notice I was about to run into a minefield, I turn around to kill the bugs on my tail and the Doc drops a third time.  The bugs swarm me as I ran out of ammo and we finally fail the mission.

The Posthumus Savior Turret

We are trying to hold a point as we capture it, we have water on one side and open field on the other.  The bugs aren’t slowed by the water but we can barely move through it.  Bugs start swarming from every direction, so we both kneel to call in reinforcments, me a quick airstrike and Chris predictably calls her favorite automated turret.  There is a big pack approaching Chris from the south so I tell her to run and I’ll call in my airstrike, instead of running she hits the deck and gets vaporized with all the bugs.  I swear a little and start running for my life.  I run north am gunning down bug after bug, when I hear the click meaning I’m out of ammo.  I try to switch to my pistol but some bugs get to me and I start crawling away bleeding out, when I hear a sound like the answering of a prayer, the hum of a turret winding up.  Apparently the good Doctor called it in right before she died.  It clears all the bugs and keeps me safe I heal up call her back in and we finish the level.

The New Rocket Launcher

I had just unlocked a new rocket launcher and me and Nate were playing against some cyborgs.  He’s only 6 so I usually have to pull most of the weight when we play but we still have fun.  It also doesn’t help that likes to use the murderous shotgun.  Anyways, we get an opening so I decide to call in my Rocket Launcher, it's pretty awesome, it only has one shot but the other player can pick up a backpack to reload you between shots.  We are trying to capture a point when a patrol sees us, we get surrounded and I go down.  Not sure if it was Cyborgs or that Shotgun, but I say “Nathan come help me up!”  So he makes a bee-line to me.  However, instead of helping me up he picks up the rocket launcher and laughs maniacally.  At this point Inara and my Mom both start rolling.  He runs away shoots some cyborgs who conveniently surrounded me killing all of them (and me).  He then tries to reload but can’t get away.   

Rant 

I could go on forever, we have more moments and more will be made every day.  One of the things I realize in this process of recovery is that before I would isolate all the time and experience these “moments” alone.   Now I make them with my family, my friends, and my fellows.  These moments bring us together, make us closer and have things that for years we will be able to say “remember that time…”

Even if you don’t play Helldivers or games, maybe you like Golf, or board games or fishing, go out with your family, your partner and make more Moments, fill your life with “remember that time…”’s

/Rant

To continue the tradition, Wil Wheaton, you should come make moments with us to, or just help us kill bugs in Helldivers.

Helldivers: Survive the hard stuff and don't shoot your wife

Day 63: You don’t live your best life by doing what is easy.

To my complete disgust, students in my introductory speech course often admit that they aspire to be reality television stars.  Other than Tabletop of course, the only "reality" show I adore is Survivor.  But in most cases living in a fish bowl of social scrutiny is both narcissistic and asinine to me.  I don’t want to be famous but I would be on Survivor, especially with Wil Wheaton (someone call Jeff Probst stat). The idea of a social experiment that is both physically and mentally grueling, that challenges the core aspects of human interaction is so great.  This show appeals to me because castaways are asked to complete impossibly hard tasks.  Plus its all one big game, and games are fracking awesome.  But the reason my students’ shallow aspirations bother me is because all of my best qualities have been acquired by doing hard things.

The last few years some of those hard things include:

handstands and arm balances post wrist fractures

running half marathons

finishing my EdD

writing a dissertation (all recent characters named DrCCB)

deciding to game instead of get a divorce

When life deals you hard stuff, call in the turrets

Currently I am undergoing several simultaneous self-imposed transformations in my marriage, in my gaming habits, in myself, with my hair (yup stay tuned for Jem hair).  Some days life is so painful that I am not sure how I will ever move my legs from the bed to the cold hard and unforgiving floor of the early morning, but I do.  And I am able to do that because I do hard things.  By choice or by fate, I faced the hard things and did not let it make me hard, all those experiences just made me durable. 

It does not mean I have to do every hard thing that comes my way.  I have regularly mentioned I am not good at FPS games.  Though not an FPS, my current aim accuracy in Helldivers is less than 20%.  But we are surviving levels because I call in the turrets and take cover when I can’t survive another wave.  I don’t put down the controller I just learn new stratagems (this is a real word I swear) to help keep the support coming.

Updates: 

Wil Wheaton is not responding to my blogging pleas to visit Btown.  At this rate I am thinking I will need a Wheaton effigy to replace him at our table for gaming. 

Jem hair countdown 5 days (not Gem as autocorrect keeps insisting).  

John has not killed me as much in Helldivers.  We have taken a screenshot of the three times where my character was not shot by my husband.  Plus my turrets have totally saved his butt several times. The "accidentals" row numerically counts how many times you killed your co-op player. 

  

My Centennial(100th) Blog Post dedicated to Wil Wheaton

Day 43: Decreased Visibility Due to Fog 

Showing up to Sing for my Kiddos

Last night was a hard night and it felt impossible to get out of my own head.  Like every night, my kiddos want me to sing to them before they went to sleep.  My daughter has been helping with chores, cooking, and nagging of her younger brother.  She helps so much it is like I see her growing before my eyes.  I almost didn’t sing but after mass, sparing, yoga, and board games I was able to get out of my head enough to show up for them.  I am not trying to say that being with my kids is too hard, it is everything else that creates a great fog in my brain.

The Bakersfield Fog

What if my brain is like Bakersfield; a great valley that suffocates those inside it because the pollution settles and cannot escape.  What if that pollution stops me from seeing them, seeing myself, breathing?  I am grateful that for at least one night that the fog didn’t keep me from singing. 

My daughter has an amazing teacher who introduced her to the Beatles and she has requested the song “Blackbird” the last few nights.  I feel her breathing slow as she leans in closer as I sing it in a whisper.  For me, Blackbird is a song that needs to be sung in a whisper and not belted out, as the words cradle my love around her.  And in this perfect moment I remember that when the dust settles after family board games and they are cuddled in my arms, they are still these innocent perfect little creatures. 

Wil Wheaton: My Kids Are Calling You Out

As promised in a previous post my kids made a video asking Wil Wheaton to come play board games in Bakersfield at Paladin's Game Castle.  

More than a fanboy plea this was more of a challenge by my son for Wheaton to play against him.  The part of this conversation that was not caught on camera is a question of Wheaton’s true identity.  My son is convinced Wheaton also plays Steve on Blues Clues.  He kept referring to Wheaton as "Steve" and he will not be deterred in this matter (from a six year old this is a huge compliment).  

Wil Wheaton Thumbs up MineCraft

Steve thumbs up Blue's Clue

My kids ground me and showing up for them is something worth striving for (hint hint Wil Wheaton).   I know when I describe the scary air quality in the B-twon visiting seems less desirable.  And coming to Bakersfield to play board games might not change the world but it would be super awesome and you would get a thumbs up from some adorable little kids. 

Living in the Shadow of a Kick A$$ Wife

Day 41: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

I cannot get into my partners head and now that I know there were lots of secrets not having super powers is making me crazy. 

The Wind Beneath my Wings

Despite problems in my relationship, 2014 was the most successful year of my life.  I joined the kid’s school PTA board, passed the level 1 Iyengar yoga certification, completed my Doctoral dissertation, presented at 4 national conferences, got published, got a PS4, was elected to CTA assembly, was re-elected to CFA executive board.  But my favorite memory was kissing my husband at the top of the Empire state building.  Yup my life was awesome.

It has often been remarked that I am a force of nature and do not know how to do things halfway.  Lately, I have been thinking about what it is like to be married to someone described as a “force” (aka me).  Now that everything is falling apart, it is difficult not to feel that my ambition, success, drive, and openness did not sabotage my relationship.  Then I remember: that professional women should not dim their bright light because someone they love lives in their shadow.

An Open Book

For the last 42 days I have been writing about games, emotions, and my relationship.  The blog is a means to love the hubs, vent, and to keep fighting for my relationship with game play.  He is an intensely private person whereas I am open book (I enjoy games, yoga, whiskey, and the hubs).  While I am trying so hard to be better gamer, wife and support to him sometimes I worry that my blog is yet another way that I am trying too hard.  I want the hubs to be happy.  However, I am not going to stop trying; trying is what I do.  But hiding and secrecy is what he does/did.  Do we both need to change?

Playing the Wife  

Playing games and loving my hubs are the two things that I used to think were easy.  I could do them without thinking, without qualifying, without trying.  Now, I question everything.  Is my sh*t talking and crazy competitive streak too much? When we game do we need co-op only games?  Should I blog my every thought?  Should I say my every thought?  Should I strive to be a docile, obedient, and submissive wife?  If you attended my wedding or have ever spent five minutes in a room with me you know that the last question was sarcasm.  But I do know for shir it would be easy for him to walk away from our marriage and find a woman with much less professional success; I suck at playing the wife but I am usually pretty darn good at everything else that I do.

Updates

The hubs got me Buffy the Vampire Slayer board game in the mail circa the early 2000’s.  I cannot wait to blog about playing this game. 

February 2015 has been a big month, earlier this week I was trolled on google+ for being a “feminist tool” and then re-tweeted as a “dirty harlot.”  I think these trolls were intended as insults but they totally made my day.  As a couple we both completely geeked out when we were re-tweeted by both privateer press and TableTop. 

It is surreal that people are actually reading our blog, even though Wil Wheaton continues to ignore us.  The comments section of the blog is starting to populate with others who identify with games as a way to save a relationship.  Please keep a lookout on the blog later this week for my 6-year old son/ Wheaton fanboy, Nate.  He is working with his 7-year old sister, Inara, on a video plea for Wheaton to come to Bakersfield.  I am not sure Wheaton can say no to all this cuteness but just in case heckle him in your free time.

Love and Legos

Day 41: Last week was a big week for the married gamers. 

“Everything is Awesome”

In a previous blog I discussed how my son spent his birthday playing Lego Batman on the Xbox with me.  For his party he extended his lego theme but we super sized it.  We successfully hosted 30 kids at a “Lego Movie” birthday (yup we are crazy people). We had a lego cake, lego doors, lego balloons, lego poop (lego people in ziplocks with MnM’s).  We showed the movie outside and the kids each had lego cars (aka cardboard boxes) for their viewing pleasure.  One of the great miracles of this event was that I popped 8 cups of popcorn, 8 cups not fully popped but in kernel form, and prepared other food but did not set any small fires.   

Geek parent Lego birthday win #Lego pic.twitter.com/jHuEsz2Ab4
— Chris Cruz-Boone (@ProfessorCCB) February 13, 2015

It was so powerful to see all these people come together and just shower our lil' guy with love and legos.  Yesterday I came home from a super tuff hike and found the hubs on the floor assembling birthday minecraft legos with the lil’ guy and this moment brought me so much joy.  I am not sure if having gamer geek parents makes a difference for the kids but having kids makes my life so much better.

Valentine’s Day

It was around Valentine’s day over 16-years ago when my best friend held my hand while we watched Monday night raw.  There was no pretense, or flirting, and it didn’t go any further but it changed the course of my life forever.  That being said I don’t really believe in Valentine’s Day.  I become physically ill when I hear the 50 Shades commercials come on and I do not want freeway roses.  But since things have been rocky, and a friend offered to babysit, I thought we would have a romantic day of games. 

Instead, after the post-birthday sleepover and subsequent cleaning I slept through most of the afternoon.  By evening we took a romantic walk to Target where I was super uncomfortable because most of the women there were dressed in their finest hoochie wear.  Note: Women can wear whatever they want and should not be judged or shamed, but droves of women wearing their chonies on the outside at Target is yet another reason for me to despise this holiday.  The plan was to loose ourselves in games and that plan never happened.  We ended up playing some Forbidden Isle on the iPad and going to bed early.  You can’t schedule geek romance, you can’t force play, you just have to give over to the other person and the fantasy.   Any maybe if you stop planning for one second, you will share a moment, like the brush of your best friends fingertips.  

Game Night

Sunday after church we played three new tabletop games.  Thankfully, we have a great and growing network of friends who are lending/leasing us games to try in our ongoing play. “Leasing” seems like a strange word for sharing board games but one of our friends is trying to weed out some of his un-played games and is letting us test drive them before we buy.  We played Sheriff of Nottingham (one round adults and one round with the kiddos).  We played Machi Koro and SushiGo as some quick card games.  I realized even in all my years playing magic I had never done a draft and it was awesome this weekend.   Having friends to play, share and talk about games keeps the hearth burning bright.  Plus me winning a bunch always makes my day.

“@ProfessorCCB: Face palm and Sheriff of Nottingham with the kiddos @JohnRBoone #gatheryourparty pic.twitter.com/fY25yWeGUI”
— MrNinjaman (@JohnRBoone) February 16, 2015

Update: Paladin Game Castle has scheduled in TableTop day & #GatherYourParty for all day April 11th.  But alas still no news of Wil Wheaton. Curse you Wil Wheaton all the cool kids are playing and leasing board games in B-town.  

Pebbles: Moving the trash cans back up the hill & scheduling the babysitter.