Guilt, Motherhood, and Professional Success for Women

After almost a decade working in Higher Education, I realize that I feel guilty for my commitment to my career.  Today I attended the CSUB “19^th Annual Latina Leadership Conference” and listened to successful women share their stories.  As each generation shared their journey it seems that professional women are our own worst enemies.  But it is not as simple as just get over it and be ambitious.   

Career versus Motherhood 

There are several factors to consider when thinking about our careers, and for many women the foremost issue is motherhood.

I am not a domestic goddess: I am not gifted in the area of sewing, crafting or cooking.  I love my children, but even if I won the lottery tomorrow I would not choose to be a full-time stay at home parent.  As my husband has now entered the workforce the conversations have shifted to how I am going to address the care of our children.  The decision to raise two children requires a commitment of an immeasurable amount of home labor.

Recent Study of Parenthood Roles and Careers  

Studies, like the link above, that ask mothers if they are “spending enough time with their children” are inherently flawed.  As women, we are lucky to get stuck with social pressures that remind us constantly that our sex requires us to nurture.

My partner is a feminist who was a willing stay-at home parent so I could start my academic career.  I am capable and enjoy being a leader but I feel guilt about my male partner’s sacrifice for my success.

I can’t believe I wrote this sentence:

I am capable and enjoy being a leader but I feel guilt about my male partner’s sacrifice for my success.

I know it is redundant to repeat a sentence, and it was hard to write it the first time. This confession demonstrates the internalization of both gender archetypes and that I am a barrier to my own personal success.  My professional success has provided for my entire family.  Regardless of my gender-- my education and experience makes me better qualified to be the breadwinner in our family.  Then why the heck do I still feel guilty?

My Self Inflicted Glass Ceiling

My partner supported me through graduate school, the start of my first full-time academic post and in the full-time care of our two children.  His action and words of encouragement validate me as I work on  my doctoral dissertation and yet doubt pervades my choices.

My doubt brings two interesting points of clarity:

How do other highly education mothers without incredibly supportive partners overcome social pressure and personal guilt to succeed professionally?  How can I earn a fair wage, promotion, and professional success when I hesitate to recognize my own value?

Life without Kids

The outcome to both of these questions is simple; patriarchy influences professional women.

I have several successful female friends without kids.  It is a common misconception that the choice to not have children voids social pressures.  In my experience people assume that women without children are either broken or not living life to the fullest.  

"Leaving My Children"- One Woman's Story  

"Having it All Without Children"

As the above stories conclude, the assumption that women without kids are somehow unfulfilled is absolutely wrong.  With or without children, professional women are influenced by patriarchy.

Conclusion

This week my preliminary defense of my dissertation is scheduled.

Friday March 28, 2014 10am at CSUB Education Building 123 

In spite of self-doubt, I keep plugging away and I am getting the job done.  This weeks blog was cathartic to write and embarrassing to share.  But I shared it because I hope it validates other professional women who are struggling with their own careers to know they are not alone.

Confronting my own Unconscious Bias: Ageism and Strong Women

As a self-proclaimed feminist and advocate for social justice it is hard to admit that I still succumb to negative stereotypes.  A few months ago, as part of a CFA union event, I learned about the theory of Unconscious Bias.  Unconscious Bias is not explicit discrimination, but instead it is when an individual subscribes to social narratives without realizing the consequences of their behavior.  The negative impact is the continued subjugation of social groups that lack agency. 

The subsequent section of my blog post this week includes personal stories about women who have helped me confront my own bias.  Squeamish readers proceed with caution.

Reflecting on my own Unconscious Bias:

It was an unassuming day in a level 2 Iyengar yoga class.  I remember thinking how young I felt surrounded by so many senior age women at the modest Los Angeles Iyengar institute.  One woman in the mat next to me looked frail but so beautiful and for a moment, I doubted her ability to endure the next 90 minutes in a mat beside me.  Fast-forward to an hour later, the class was one of the most grueling I had every attended and then we moved into inversions.  The woman beside me, who was in her late 60’s gracefully entered head stand and stayed for longer than it took me to set up my mat for balancing.  Fast forward to five minutes later, well after I had given up my balancing for the day.  I remember after sitting in child’s pose lifting my head with most of the class and I was astonished at this woman; still completely upside down like it was the same as standing for her.  Aside from feeling like an ageist brat, I also realized that this woman was who I want to become when I grow up.

Photo of me in sirsana (headstand) the pose discussed in the story with my awesome 7-year old holding my feet on March 6th 2014. 

This summer I dragged my then 6-year old to a 5k series.  She does love jogging, but in all honesty, I was thinking she would be an excuse to walk.  She jogged the event and attacked the hills like a little ass kicker.  When she got tired I got the opportunity to remind her that she is “amazing, strong and powerful” and each time she continued to conquer the hills and miles.  I hope every mother gets an opportunity to remind her 6-year olds that they have power in their little bodies.  No one told me I was strong, and it took too long in life to learn this fact.

When I decided to give birth to my son naturally, I realized about mid-crowning it was going to hurt like hell.  As I shared expletives liberally, the birthing nurses and my doctor, who were all women, remained calm.  They basically told me suck it up.  My 70 year old doctor remarked, “this was your plan and it’s a good plan.”  The nurse could tell I was skeptical at my doctor’s remark and reminded me to “just breathe and that after only a few pushes you get to meet your new baby.”  I focused and kept her words about minimal pushes in my mind and after only 1 good push my son was crying in my arms.  Only moments before I thought all the women in my room were crazy and then, in that moment I realize there are few limitations to what my body can do if I stop letting my mind hold me back.  I realized at that moment I am strong, but somehow I still manage to subscribe to social ideas about the power of women.

Women are physically powerful, at every age, and each of us should remember that everyday.  

*This weeks post subject was not about technology. it includes links to online tools to help understand Unconscious Bias.  It was also written in route to the CSU Teaching Symposium using train wifi and my trusty laptop.