Sunday, April 19, 2015

The End of 100 Days

Day 102: The Road So Far 

A close friend recently asked during our lunch conversation, “what is next for Chris Cruz-Boone?”  And I have been percolating on the answer to that question over the last few days.  I am a woman who likes to make plans and I was resolute that 100 days of playing video games would help me figure some things out. 

What the heck do I do next?
(Insert awkward silence here)
I am not sure I figured a single thing out but one thing I know for certain is that things will never be like they were before.  If you asked me what I thought my marriage would be like after 12 years of gaming bliss I would never have predicted the events of the last few months.  I am slowly accepting that I will never be the same, so who do I want to be?    

Playing games daily as a couple is an intimate interaction and after mapping my blogging journey I realized that reflecting on our play for me triggered a profound sense of loss and anger.  It feels so easy to write that bad stuff happened and now everything is different but it is so visceral when you are living it.  It seems impossible not to mourn the loss of the life before a trauma.

For example, a few years ago I shattered my left wrist and after I had these maddening moments when I was practicing yoga and I felt like my body was betraying me.  Mentally I knew my body could do a yoga pose because I had done it so many times before but after the accident my body would just not let me do things in the same way.  Slowly my yoga practice has grown but I am not the same yogi I was before my broken wrist.  Like a car accident the last 100 days of playing games with the guy I married have changed me.

I am luckier than most and so many of my lifelong dreams have been realized.  Owning a house with 3 toilets (seriously on my bucket list), completing my doctorate, getting to be a mom, teaching at a university, and collecting some of the best friends someone could ask for.  I have always searched for the next great adventure but when asked by someone what is next, I was speechless.

Today, my son and I were not feeling so great and I decided to forgo planned outing and sent the hubs to volunteer at the church fiesta with our daughter.  While they were gone we spent hours on the floor piecing together puzzles and legos.  After playing with the little guy I made enchiladas for dinner.  I made so much food that we delivered extras to both my brother and sister's family for their dinners.  My son asked me when I learned to make enchiladas and I realized in the six years he has been alive I have never once prepared one of the only recipes I know how to cook.  Sadly, I also couldn’t remember the last time I got lost for hours playing with one of my kids (he had to explain to me how the lego sorting head worked).  Perhaps planning for the next adventure is like obsessing over the next big game launch sometimes it is just a distraction from experiencing the awesome game on the shelf right in front of you.

Yup I cooked without any fire started 

Groot pieces are tough 

Lego fortress, I built the helipad 

In short, I do not have a single plan for the next great adventure.  My plan is to wake up each day and do two things: be honest about what brings me joy, and do whatever that is.

It has only been two days but with no deadline or agenda we are still playing every day and I currently have no plan to stop.   

Our marriage is not surviving just because of games, but play has been the best tool for us to engage and reconnect with the new people we are becoming.   For those of you who want to try this tool just remember that playing games as adversaries when you are fighting for your marriage is not a good idea.  But fighting monsters together can help your coupleship to survive real life.  

1 comment:

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